A man stands, dressed in overalls, trying to wash dirt from his hands.
WOMAN:
I remember the first time I ever met a nigger. I've seen them before of course, on telly and up town, but never really met one, Well, it all happened when we was all on holiday in Tenerife. There was me, Nettie and her friend Gena from the chip shop on Warrant Street. We all went to get away from it all, we had all just finished with our blokes and thought this would be a chance to sort of start afresh. It was going really well at first; we would spend the days on the beach, all in our new Bikini's we bought for the occasion. Well, all apart from Nettie that is, she's still quite self conscious about her weight you see, her bloke used to tell her all the time that she was a right fat bastard. She's the right weight for her height and everything, but he sort of stamped it into her if you know what I mean?
MAN:
I remember the first time I saw her; it was in the Launderette down Brakeland Road. She was just sat there; staring at the machine and watching her knickers go round. At first I thought she was some kind of Dyke or something, since her hair was really short at the time and kind of blotchy where she had tried to bleach it.
After I had put my stuff in the dryer I started getting a bit bored, it was going to take quite a while you see, since it was all my jeans and stuff, and they take ages. It was only me and her in the shop; I'd already looked at all the notices on the wall so I thought I might spark up a conversation to pass the time a bit,
"Jeans eh! Take ages don't they!” I said, but she just looked at me for a second and then went back to her knickers. Well I must admit it wasn't my best line.
WOMAN:
Well, anyway, we used to go clubbing every night, it was great, you'd get all these blokes coming up to you wanting to buy you drinks and stuff. We'd stay there chatting up the Spanish barman till it closed at about four in the morning, then walk home holding each other up, It was on one of these nights that Nettie pulled this bloke, real black he was. It was almost as if the whole world was some kind of Jigsaw, with the pieces all human shaped. Except there was one piece missing and that was him, like some kind of black hole in the middle, He was a right laugh at first, he always had us in stitches. Just a shame about what happened later really.
MAN:
Well I couldn't just sit there and stare into space could I? I mean, I had already smoked half me fags, so I thought I might as well keep trying, but this ice just wasn't ready to break.
"Jeans... Take ages to dry don't they!” well, you never know, she might have been deaf or something.
WOMAN:
It was Tuesday night; we had all been down the Pelican Bar and walked home pissed as usual. This black guy, Paul his name was, he came with us as well, Nettie and him were getting on lovely, gorgeous they were. Me and Gena went to bed as soon as we got back to the Hotel; the room was spinning a bit so we thought we would leave them to it,
I think it was about half three in the morning when I heard Nettie screaming. I woke Gena up and we both went to have a look what was going on. The door was slightly open so we both kind of sneaked in.
Well I couldn't believe it, there was Nettie and this fella Paul on the bed, he was trying to get into her knickers I reckon and she wasn't having none of it. But from the way she was crying I think he was getting it.
MAN:
Result! Sort of anyway, "yeh" she said, "yeh". Well it was a start wasn't it? There I was, putting in loads of effort, giving it all the chat and she just comes out with, "Yeh". Well this is going to be a right gripping conversation this I thought. So I just started giving it all the gob, I mean, if she wasn't talking much then I might as well make up for it eh!
WOMAN:
It sounds strange now, but even though it was Nettie and this fella on the bed, all I could see was me and my ex and what went on afterwards. I couldn't take it any longer, I somehow found myself with a bottle in my hand. It must have been there on the shelf or something, but the next thing I new I was cracking it over this fella's head.
Nettie pushed him off and got up to join us. We all hugged each other, all with tears streaming down our faces. We must have looked a right mess.
MAN:
But then we started having this really good conversation, I was just spilling out loads of stuff I never told anyone before. I mean, she still wasn't that chatty, but she was improving, letting go just a little bit at a time. I was telling her about work and stuff, you know, the sort of stuff me and the lads got up to when the boss wasn't around. And she was going off about her mates Gina and Nettie, what big pals they were and that. Well, time just flew by, until my jeans were finally ready, and her knickers were dry.
WOMAN:
I though I had killed him, I'm going to get done for murder I thought, and spend the rest of my life in one of those foreign prisons you see on telly. But you could see that he was still breathing - kind of funny like but definitely still with it. Well, we could have taken him to hospital there and then I suppose, but what happened then put pay to that idea. Nettie was still really fucked off, in a real state she was. Well, she went to the mirror, and I thought she was just going to fix herself up a bit, do her hair or something, since she picked up her big can of hair spray. But it wasn't for her. She jumped over the bed to where he was, and then started clubbing his head in with this hair spray can. The next thing I knew Gena was over there too, kicking this guy in the face and screaming something about her Gary.
Well, the air was just full of screaming and crying, it was a right nightmare. I couldn't handle it so I screamed at the top of my voice and they both stopped, it all went silent and we looked at this fella Paul on the ground, he wasn't breathing in that funny way any more, in fact... he wasn't breathing at all. We had killed him, and strangely enough I couldn't really give a toss
MAN:
The thing is, we were getting on really well. She seemed like a great lass at the time, someone you could really talk to about stuff, Even though she didn't speak of them, she obviously had her problems, you could see it in her face, but hey! who doesn’t? So I just asked her out, just like that, didn't even think about it at the time.
WOMAN:
Well, we left him there and all slept in my room huddled up in one bed. I felt safe, like when me and my sister used to sleep together when it thundered outside. In the morning we put Paul into Gena's big suitcase thing, we had enough room in our cases to put her stuff, we had kept the space for duty free fags and booze and stuff you see. It took all of us to carry him to town, we were going to leave him in one of the caves we discovered by the beach, there are big holes in there where he could never be found once we drop him in.
We was half way there when we just couldn't carry him any more. We were really knackered, so we stopped off at this cafe for a breather, it seemed a bit odd like, what with having a body in a suitcase an all, but there wasn't a lot we could do.
MAN:
She didn't really seem keen on the idea at first, avoided the question like the plague, but there was just something about her that made me keep trying. I know she had dodgy hair, her chat wasn't up to much and she looked like she needed someone to come along and paint a smile on her face, but, I don't know, maybe I felt sorry for her or something.
WOMAN:
Gena and Nettie went off to the lavvy; they were busting for a piss, so I grabbed a table and guarded the case. I sat there reading me Cosmo; there was an article about female masturbation, quite interesting really. I had just got past the first paragraph and was looking at this diagram of the clitoris when this waiter comes along.
WAITER: Porfavour?
WOMAN:
Porfavour he says. Well I didn't know about the other two but I didn't really want any thing, so I just said "No Thank you" in my slowest clearest voice. But then he says it again…
WAITER: Porfavour?
WOMAN:
…and I suddenly remembered the case which was under the table.
MAN:
So I thought I would tell her my best joke... This plank of wood walks into a bar right and... no, hang on... It was this breeze block that goes into a cafe and... Oh, well, I can’t remember it but she thought it was funny!
WOMAN:
He suspects something I thought, and I started to panic, I tried to keep calm and just said ‘no thank you’ again, hoping this time he would understand.
WAITER: Porfavour?
WOMAN:
…he says, but now he seems to be getting bothered. I could see Nettie and Gena coming out of the lavvy. As soon as they get here we can go but they seemed like a mile away, but he's still there…
WAITER: Porfavour? Porfavour?
WOMAN:
…and I just want him to go away. I started to cry, but tried to hide it so he wouldn't suspect any thing,
WAITER: Porfavour? Porfavour?
WOMAN:
…he carries on and I see Nettie and Gena have started running. I try to wipe my tears with one of them doily things, but he's still there! Porfavour, Porfavour, Porfavour, PORFAVOUR, I mean, what was he going on about, I couldn't understand it really, I mean, there was only the three of us?
